Today I was looking through some of my old pieces of writing that I had saved from a while back. Now I know this blog stuff is supposed to be about horses and all, but reading what I had written 2ish years ago made me cry. I believe now is a good time to share this with everyone because certain events in my life have reminded me of the importance of what follows. Before you all go read this, I would like to say that this is completely true with the only things changed are the names, including mine, to keep the real people’s identity confidential. Please let me know what you think in the comments.
**** NO REAL NAMES USED****
I have never been the most positive person you’d meet, but things happen. Sometimes I feel sad for no reason and one time I had a bad idea that sounded good at the time. After this experience, I realized how stupid and foolish my idea was. One of my favorite quotes is, “Sometimes the prettiest smiles hold the deepest secrets, the prettiest eyes have cried the most tears, and the kindest of hearts have felt the most pain.” Author unknown. I hope that those who read this come to the same conclusion as I did.
I see my friend sitting on the stairs alone, so I walk over to sit next to her. She turns to me, face bright red and covered in tears. As we sit there silently, we watch people walk back and forth in front of us. My friend finally starts to speak, “Jenna… Oh Jenna, what do I do now? She’s GONE! Why?” Sniffle sniffle.
“I don’t know Jess, I just don’t know.” We’re both crying softly now.
Even though I wasn’t the closest of friends with Ike, I still feel the pain of losing her. Jess and I sat there for a while more until lunch ended. When lunch ended we said goodbye and went to class.
I wonder how Jess is doing in class right now? Is she lonely? Can she hold out till the end of 8th period? I promised her that I would meet her outside the lunchroom after school.
When I come down the stairs I see Jess sitting on a bench right outside the lunchroom. I settle down next to her and ask, “How ya doing? Better?”
“Yeah I’m better”
“Glad to hear that Jess… I know this is hard for you, it’s hard for me too. There’s probably nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I’m here to talk to and support you if you need. Okay?” I lean in to hug her as she begins to cry again.
“I…want to be with her,” sniffle, cough, “again, Jenna. I want us to reunite…on the other side.”
I hop up to stand in front of her. “What are you talking about!? That’s not an option Jess.” I was stunned that she even thought of that as a solution to make the hurt go away. I tried to reason with her but it seemed as if my words didn’t make it to her ears.
“Why did she have to die? How could she choose this for herself? I…we…the counselor…could have helped prevent this!!!”
“I know, I know. I’m sad too. But right now we have to be strong, strong for her, for her family, and especially for us.”
When Jess’s mom came to pick her up, we said goodbye and I headed to the counselor’s’ office.
“Ms. Lisa? Can I ask you a favor?”
“Sure thing! What do you need?
“Well… I was wondering if you could help me keep an eye on Jess, she says she wants to ‘reunite with Ike on the other side’ and she sounded kinda serious.”
“Of course I can. Thank you for telling me about this, Jenna. You’re a good friend to Jess.”
“Thanks Ms. Lisa, but I just feel so helpless.”
“Why don’t you and I sit down and talk?” She sits down in her office chair and I settle into the soft, relaxing fainting chair across from her. “Feeling helpless is normal, but you just being next to Jess is helping a lot more than you would think.”
“Okay…I guess I’m helping more than I think.” I shrug and thank Ms. Lisa for her time.
At school the next day, I go looking for Jess. I looked everywhere I could possibly think of…except…THE STORAGE CLOSET!!!!!
“What are you doing in here all alone?”
“Okay. I need to think too. Is this the best spot?”
“Haha sure, whatever Jenna. Stay, go, I don’t care really.”
“How about…I sit in here with you for five more minutes. And then I have a surprise for you.”
Five minutes of being lost in thought ended. We got up and I took her to see the surprise. She’s going to love this, I just know it. My heart is pounding in my chest as we approach the surprise.
Jess is sweating and has a bouncy walk. “When are we going to get there?” She stops complaining when…
“SURPRISE!!!” All of Jess’s friends cheer at once as a tremendous and memorable smile emerges on her face.
“Wha? What’s this? What are y’all doing?”
“They came to help comfort and support you.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you so much! All of y’all, really. And Jenna, especially you, I’m so glad I have a friend like you.”
“Remember, you don’t need to go through this alone. There are people that care about you, and not just us. There are counselors who care, teachers who care, and a lot of other people that care.” The bell rings and we all go to class.
My mind isn’t on my Texas History teacher, it’s on the subject of suicide. As I’m engrossed in my thoughts I start to realize what such small things can lead to so much heartache. Ike was a great friend to everyone. She was the kind of person who gives off good vibes, but unfortunately did not receive many in return. She masked her sadness behind a veil of fake smiles and laughs. She was alone. Alone in her own way, even when so many people cared about her.
When Jess brought up that she wanted to commit suicide herself just to be with Ike again, I told her to think carefully about that choice. To understand that what she’s feeling and that if she too made the same choice, many more people would feel that way. Her friends would feel it most. I tried to reassure her with something I heard another person say, “Suicide is a long term solution for a short term problem, no matter how long term the problem may feel. Cherish your life, you only get one.”
Only later that year I began to realize just how important this was, even though it seemed less important to me at the time. Someone once told me that sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it’s become a memory. I hope everyone and anyone who read this took something away from it, whether it was a life lesson, something inspirational, or advice from someone who was once in your shoes.
Thank you for sticking all the way through, I know that was kind of long and a little deep.